I made the hardest decisions tonight, Alice cornered me and spoke about my life with Bella, and that the path she had seen, was that Bella would at some point be one of us. I couldn't allow myself to stay on that path any longer, I refuse to take her soul, and her life. If I had my way, she will remain human, her life is intended to get older, to enjoy what it brings, not to be taken away from her, because of my selfishness. She deserved more then that.
She couldn't know what I am, Bella would never understand it, she is everything I could ever want, in more ways then I care to admit out loud, both Alice and Esme think being with Bella is the best thing for me, neither care that she is human. But how could she love a monster? How would Bella ever understand my life, our existence. I could never ask, or want her to endure this. It is not what nature had intended.
But I was a danger to Bella, her scent was too inviting, and I know if I give way to my senses, even for a second, this would end fatally, Rosalie believes this will end badly, that I am implicating the family, and this tears me apart. We never got on, but usually when Rosalie disapproved of something, there was some truth in it. The last thing I want for my family, is for me to lose sense of myself and take Bella's life, especially if it is in public, I can't risk exposing us. Bringing shame on this family is the last thing I want.
I've decided to go to see Tanya, and the Denali, I will more then likely stay with them until the memories of Bella can fade, even for just a little while, I need to get her scent out of my mind, I need to learn to control everything within me, so that I am safe, that I am safe to be around, because if I can't do this, then I would have failed.
Bella is my everything, even now, after only 2 meetings, but if I wanted to carry on being around her, I need to make sure that I was prepared, plus it has been a long time since I last saw Tanya, it would be good to get away for a while.
I guess the only thing from stopping me from going sooner was Esme, beyond what people may think of us as a family, and her and Carlisle only being our 'adoptive' parents. There is no denying in my mind, that Esme is my mother, she reminds me so much of the mother I had lost decades earlier, and i would never want to break her heart, even though she would understand my decision to leave.
I will be leaving tonight, everyone else is gathering together in their own rooms to be alone after the Volturi's visit. I will sneak out when the cost is clear and contact them once I get there.
I just hope Esme understands and on my return Rosalie can forgive me
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